Teenagers are notorious for their distinct lack of outward communication with their parents. While not all teens share this trait, it can be difficult to get the quiet ones to "play the game." As a parent of a teen myself, I've learned three useful techniques that have helped me build a closer relationship with my teenager. Maybe, one or more of these tips can help you get closer to your teenager



Be A Listener

This may be one of the most difficult tasks in building effective communications with your teenager. One way that I've learned that doesn't work is to play "20 questions." You definitely do not want to sound like a grand inquisitor - or like a lawyer who is grilling a witness, trying to squeeze out the facts.

Rather, you may want to treat the situation as just casual chit-chat - to start. Success might not always be realized using this technique, but I've learned that most teenagers really do want to communicate with their parents, but on their own level and on their own terms. The more the parent is interested in a particular subject, the less the teen is willing to reveal. You must act casual and be mostly uninterested while you build rapport with your teen.

As your teen becomes more comfortable with the situation, the more he or she will reveal - sometimes in parts or as a whole. This is where your listening skills come into play. Learn to pick up on bits and pieces of information, as this may be all you get. Do not be judgmental, keep your ears open, and you'll be amazed at what you can learn

Give Your Full Attention

When families these days are so busy with jobs, school, sports and a hundred other distractions, parents tend to try and "multi task" with their teenagers. This tends to discourage effective communications, and may drive the teen farther away from his or her parents. I've learned that if I want my teenager's full attention, I must be willing to give the same as well.

Turn off the tv, shut down your computer or close that book, and make it known that the time you spend with your teenager is theirs and theirs alone. You shouldn't be distracted by countless other details - remember what I said above about listening? Your teen may communicate in snippets, and if you're on the phone with your boss, or seeing who is the next American Idol, you just might miss the most important bit of information that was offered up all week!

Try to Find The Positive

How can you expect to build a closer relationship with your teenager if every other sentence you utter is a criticism. Certainly, when parenting teenagers, negatives can be easier to notice than positives - messy rooms, sloppy clothes, etc. etc. I know - these negatives stand out like a sore thumb - especially when I find myself tripping over my daughter's shoes day and night! Or, when I find dirty dishes and glasses all over the house!

But, I have learned to temper my words, and instead of griping about the bad, I reward the good. I'll bet that there is something you can compliment your teenager about each day - not an empty, gratuitous remark, but one that is earned and deserved. This may take some time, but in my case, my teenager has shifted her behavior in certain areas over time with this technique - she has cleaned her room (without being asked) and has done other things to make me believe this technique really has benefits. And, I don't sound like a nag, although I have had to bite my tongue many times.

When parenting teenagers, working towards a closer relationship with your teen can be a simple and rewarding process. Just remember to be patient and learn to be a good listener - and remember that you were once in their shoes as a teenager yourself!