There must be 5000 ways to die   And each one ends the same way if you try   Your friends all stand around while they dump you in the ground   And the people who loved you will ask why, oh why, oh why, oh why      And the bastard you hated the most   Will stand up and give you a toast   He'll say, "We were such good friends especially near the end"   Then he'll feel up your girlfriend in front of your ghost      So get in your car and drive real fast   Up in the attic with a shotgun blast   Take a bath with a clock radio   Vodka and Valium overdose   Have you ever tried?   There must be 5000 ways to die      And if you're very lucky   You'll get your picture in the paper on page three   25 words will summarize how you spent your whole damn life   One day on that page, next day into the hamster cage, cage      So get in your car and drive real fast   Up in the attic with a shotgun blast   Take a bath with a clock radio   Vodka and Valium overdose   All the glamor can be yours with a loaded .44   Have you ever tried?   There must be 5000 ways to die