(OK Grandpa, let's tell them a little story about what happened this Christmas)   Christmas eve   I didn't get much sleep   I kept hearing things   Heavy breathing from the chimney   Who could it be?      In the morn   I couldn't believe my eyes   A whale of a corpse   With a long white beard was dangling over the fire      (Chorus)   Santa he's a big fat f*uck   Crawled down the chimney got his fat ass stuck   Honey call the lawyers fast   ‘Cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass      (OK Grandpa, step up, sing in this thing right here, tell ‘em what you saw)   Gotta tell you folks   He wasn't wearing no clothes   He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil from his head down to his toes   I was talking to the cops outside   The dogs were lickin' Crisco off of his thighs   They hauled him away in a double wide   What a sad sad way to die      (Chorus)