No, I never was in Vietnam   I never once dove into an empty swimming pool   I never let the carpet walk right out from under me   I never painted a house or a tree      I never did become an exotic dancer   Or a customer service representative   I never took the pulse of a dying duck   Or gave mouth to mouth resuscitation to a horsefly      In a way I suppose you could say   My experience is quite limited, for example   I never locked Oliver Cromwell in a brrom closet   While singing Waltzing Matilda      I never sawed a television in half   Although I once saw Wendy O'Williams saw a guitar   I never played a decent game of jacks   I never played poker with a toothless one eyed pirate      Who kept picking his teeth with a bowie knife   To distract me while his parrot looked over my shoulder   And told him what cards I had by using an elaborate code   Involving vomiting, chirping and sea shanties      I never bought a lamp, wait I did buy a lamp once   But I never bought a lantern or a lambskin profolactic   I never bought Lima beans or lime pudding   I never bought a lion or a Lionel Richie album      I never bought anything beginning with the letter "L"   Except lollipops, light bulbs and lettuce, and the lamp   I never layed down for a nap   And found the Everly brothers in bed with me   I never let a cyborg take out the garbage      I'm sorry I stole the radio, I did it   I sawed the legs off the periodic table   I re-elected the President, I did it   It was my fault, I farted in the church   I'm sorry I did many many bad things   And I am so sorry