Well I went to the video store late one night   I was feeling lonely and uptight   There was a girl at the counter standing pretty and tall   About to rent a movie starring Steven Seagal   Said hey honey you think he’s tough   Why don’t you check out this stuff   I turned around and with a smirk   Tried to pick a fight with the video store clerk   I said I ain’t kind and I don’t rewind   And now I’m going to kick your behind   A nifty right cross brought me to my knees   Then he reminded me about my late fees   Yelled to the girl and he hit me again   And I said these words as the lights went dim      Let me be your new action hero   I want to be your new action hero   Cause I’d walk through fire for you   And I’d risk being shot   Blow up public enemy number one   Just to say “I think your pretty hot.”   If you let me be your new action hero      Well the very next day I woke up in jail   And that girl was there and she posted bail   I was elated with love as I walked toward her   She said I’m only doing this if you sign a restraining order   Hurt and confused I couldn’t understand   Oh, Jean-Claude Van Damme   Turned to the guard and boy was stunned   When I reached down and pulled out his gun   The guard just stood there not saying a word   Like a bit player in this theater of the absurd   In a time like this I wonder how Bruce Willis would act   Couldn’t figure it out so I gave the gun back   The guard beat me up till I couldn’t take anymore   And I said these words as my head hit the floor      Let me be your new action hero   I want to be your new action hero   Cause I’d go through car chases just to have you here with me   Can’t understand why were not together must be a government conspiracy   So please take my hand, before I really snap   Like the aging detective said, I’m getting to old for this crap   And let me be your new action hero   I just got to be your new action hero   Oh, for you I would hold a bomb while it ticked   Cause I’m the rebel without a script   Please let me be your new action hero   And I would save the world from trouble   With my trusty stunt double   If you let me be you new action hero