My brain makes the earth dark   But I'm hung like a birthmark   I like to suck toes   Yours secrete fructose   I make paintings based   On grids just like Chuck Close   I'm old school like Aztecs   But new in other aspects   If you want sex with me   Be prepared for bad sex   And slapstick   Even Chapstick   Won't help my chapped dick   When I'm with a naked chick   I use a faker dick   A turkey baster laced with Elmer's   To make it stick   My ex fled to Reykjavik   We really were trying   Mm your so wet   "My pussy's crying"   I need an eye exam   And a vagina with no diaphragm   Or condom   I'm pond scum   I'm going to buy a lamb   And when we make love   I'll envision titty humping   Which looks like a Venn Diagram   Ewe. This isn't dope   I feel like I'm pissing Scope   Lamby's a misanthrope   I asked her to stop moving   Does she listen? Nope   The sheep was a clone   So I was a creep on the phone   Now I'm sleeping alone   With her photo on my nightstand   In a sepia tone      The joy of your world is Paul Barman   Yes the joy of your world is Paul Barman      After this rap I'll be   In Napoli, happily   Proposing to my chosen   Under an apple tree   "Let's get married"   I don't walk, I get carried   By a motorcade   Of voter-age   Women on rollerblades   In cute sleeveless shirts   Exposing their shoulder blades   But I'm a lonely guy   Since my honeypie   Ran off with Ione Skye   Now I've got nothing whatsoever   Ugly-broke-arrogant   But so clever   When I write rhymes on brown bags   And in shower steam   Paul and I are the power team   We'll leave you deflowered   With a mouth full of sour cream   Gobble this obelisk      Now the joy of your world is Paul Barman   Yeah the joy of your world is Paul Barman      My close pals   Aunts   Uncles   Leaders   Nations and towns   Hamlets and neighboring islands   Everyone   Landlords   Bosses and relatives   Moms and Newborns      Somehow when I act thirteen   I'm a gorgeous girl tractor beam   This one was dressed to kill   From her head to my testakill   She was from west of Phil-   ly and spoke well of it   She said, "Just for the hell of it   Let's not be celibate."   I got all higgledy piggledy   It's a big relief   When I take off my fig uh leaf   She said, "Dad, let's get at this"   But her cat and an unpotted cactus   Sat on her mattress   That sure made it saturated   With sharp thorns and cat piss   I put on a hiphop beat   While she whipped off the topsheet   She said, "Come to bed   I like my undergrads underfed   They amaze how they stay up days   On mayonnaise and Wonderbread."   I dove in her cervix a lot   Like Sir Mixalot      This interlude   Is for the women I've interviewed   About the clitoris   And how to make it less hit-or-miss   Should we be gentle?   Is it all mental?   I won't use a dental   Dam 'cause it discurges   My urges to submerge in her jizz   She said, "My good nuss   You should juss   Use clues that's nonverbal   You're too vigorous   If my clitoris,   for example, turns purple"   It was time to copulate   But we didn't want to populate   So my bold groin   Reached for my gold coin   Prophylactic   I unwrapped it   You can't know how I felt   It wasn't a gold coin condom   It was chocolate Chanukah gelt   The white part crumbled on her tummy   And the rest began to melt      Foiled again