If you were the star   Of a porn flick   Fox TV would scream   That you deserve an Oscar   Cause while you butt-fuck   Everybody   They proudly spread K-Y   And if you farted   In an elevator   Most of us would press   The nearest button   But you can crap on   Someone’s country   And the stench gets   Bill O’Reilly high   Help me Dear Abby   What does etiquette dictate   Who cares what fork we use   If there’s no food   Darfur and sweet old N’awlins   Dead Iraqis, dead Marines   You mus’ admit   Dat all of dis shit’s   Just a tad bit rude.   Why everyone knows   If you take a lady's hand   Before she offers it   It’s grabby.   But if you grab a lady’s land   No sirens start to wail   No air horn honks   Dear Abby please   RSVP   Might we discuss this matter   Over tea   Sincerely yours,   Bewildered   In Da Bronx                         Etiquette (The Dear Abby Song)     If you were the star   Of a porn flick   Fox TV would scream   That you deserve an Oscar   Cause while you butt-fuck   Everybody   They proudly spread K-Y   And if you farted   In an elevator   Most of us would press   The nearest button   But you can crap on   Someone’s country   And the stench gets   Bill O’Reilly high   Help me Dear Abby   What does etiquette dictate   Who cares what fork we use   If there’s no food   Darfur and sweet old N’awlins   Dead Iraqis, dead Marines   You mus’ admit   Dat all of dis shit’s   Just a tad bit rude.   Why everyone knows   If you take a lady's hand   Before she offers it   It’s grabby.   But if you grab a lady’s land   No sirens start to wail   No air horn honks   Dear Abby please   RSVP   Might we discuss this matter   Over tea   Sincerely yours,   Bewildered   In Da Bronx    © 2008 Tony Power