Got out the taxi, in the station, in the city   Looking for a hotel that was .. neat and pretty   My father said, boy, those northerners up there   You'd better use the phrase 'Ayup' and don't forget your old flat cap      Who's the fat boy over there   Eating an eclair   I'm gonna teach the fella how to swear   He looks quite frightened like a little deer   Gonna take him down the pub to drink some beer      Got taken to a place that I think was called the ship   Lots of people stood round taking gulps and the odd one taking a sip   I had a good few drinks, in this new city   When I came to I felt hungover so I had to take an asprin and go straight back to bed      Ohhh, what a beautiful pub   I really love this place   I wouldn't rather be anywhere but where I am      Then after the pub we .. watched some tele   After drinking so much beer I was farting couldn't stop and they were quite smelly   Then we decided, we fancied some food   And we went to the local 24 hour garage and said to the guy - Pot Noodle      Who's the fat boy over there   Eating something   Looks like Pot Noodle running down his chin   He better wipe it off or it will cause a stain   And then he won't be able to wear that shirt again      So I brought my clothes and I went to the laundromat   I put in my coins to wash my bits .. a service wash for only £5.50   And on my way back home I .. passed another pub   Was about to move on where I saw a notice on the wall saying something like free beer      Who's the fat boy over there   Eating an eclair   I'm gonna teach the fella how to swear   He looks quite frightened like a little deer   Gonna take him down the pub to drink some beer      Who's the fat boy over there   Eating something   Looks like Pot Noodle running down his chin   He better wipe it off or it will cause a stain   And then he won't be able to wear that shirt again .. 'gain 'gain ..      Ohhh, what a beautiful pub   I really love this place   Ohhh, what a beautiful pub ....