If you're always stealing goodies from a big department store   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst   If your pocket's full of little things you've never owned before   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst      If somebody says, "Good Morning" and politely tips his hat   And you frown and say, "I wonder what he really meant by that"   If you're walking down the sidewalk and you won't step on a crack   You're afraid if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back      If you're at the philharmonic and you start to do the twist   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst   You need an analyst, you need an analyst   We really must insist that you see an analyst      If you're freezing or you're sweating from imaginary ills   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst   If it takes an IBM machine to classify your pills   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst      If you tiptoe into bed and you're as quiet as a mouse   But the bed you tiptoe into is in someone else's house   If you have a brand new raincoat and of it you're very fond   In fact, you'd rather be alone with it than with a blond      If you wear your wristwatch on your feet and stockings on your wrist   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst   You need an analyst, you need an analyst   We really must insist that you see an analyst      If you're always tearing paper into teeny weeny bits   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst   If you've got a secret closet full of pomegranate pits   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst      If they ask you what your name is and you answer Bonaparte   If you dig those daffy doodles that are known as modern art   If you're walking down the street and then you stop to tie your shoes   And you tie them to each other as you hum Saint Louis blues      Or if you're forty-six years old and never have been kissed   Go kiss an analyst, a psychoanalyst   Go kiss an analyst, go kiss an analyst   We really must insist that you kiss an analyst      If you're always having arguments when no one else is there   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst   And whenever you are angry, if you kick your teddy bear   You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst      If you dream you've got a purple dragon next to you in bed   And you wake up and your dragon isn't purple, it is red   If you eat those little prizes and you save the crackerjacks   If you really think they're ever gonna cut the income tax      You need an analyst   You need, I need   He needs, we need   Everybody needs an analyst