Well sitting in a bar alone    where no-one knows your name    is like laying in a graveyard    wide awake    You're scared that if you cough or yawn    you might wake up the dead    So pretend to read a paper    or just drink instead       I'm a stand-up comedian    but I'd sit down if I could    The world just seems    to want folk like me to stand    And the punch-lines seem to disappear    like clouds across the sky    And the laughter could be real    or could be canned       Rum by the kettle drum    Whiskey by the jar    At Liar's Bar       Well living with a lying man    could never really hurt    But living with a drunk    well no-one deserves    And you're looking for your husband    you're not sure he's still alive    Don't bother with the cemetery    he'll be down at liar's dive       I'm a travelling businessman    I just stopped in for one drink    You'll find    that I'm not like the other men    Their noses are red    whilst mine is only pink    And they didn't choose their drink    their drink chose them       Rum by the kettle drum    Whiskey by the jar    At Liar's Bar       And the grave-digger's smiling    at his reflection in his spade    He's visiting the seediest    the shallowest of graves    The vocal chords of elephants    and the characters of mice    They're singing "whisky, whisky"    so good they named it twice       Well don't pass buildings with lights on    if I said that I did I'd have lied    'Cause what looks like a Chinese restaurant    may have Chinese New Year inside    And son all my life I've been searching    the bars I've been in I forget    The lights outside ever brighter    but a light on the inside not yet       Rum by the kettle drum    Whiskey by the jar    At Liar's Bar       And he's a world-wide traveller    he's not like me or you    But he comes in mighty regular    for one who's passing through    That one came in his work clothes    he's missed his last bus home    He's missed a hell of a lot of buses    for a man who wants to roam       If I look rough I am rough    If I look sad I am    If I look broke I am broke    Just a broke down piece of man       I've turned over enough leaves    to fill an autumn    and if I had one final wish    I'd be your slave for a decade    if you could take me away from this    If you took me away from this    I'd be different you'd see    'Cause I didn't choose the drink    a drink just chose me       Rum by the kettle drum    Whiskey by the jar    At Liar's Bar       Well I'm smoking like a chimney    And I'm drinking like a fish    At Liar's Bar