I'm lying here on your couch feeling lousy   My life's a great big mess   I'm crying here and all you've done   Is perscribe me lots of drugs      I can't stay on your Prozac   Cause it's making me itch   I can't stay on your Zoloft   Cause it's making me twitch   I said I'm sick of all this medicine   So just stuff your little pitch   I found an alternative      Cause yesterday   I turned on the tube   And some bald headed dude   Started telling me what to do   And I swear   I don't need your pills   Just give me some cable   And let me watch Dr. Phil   I need Dr. Phil      My eyes are glued to the screen as he lectures me   He tells me to get a grip   And all of the other shows they were different   Maybe Dr. Phil can help      I can't stand my lifestyle   Cause it's making me fat   I'm afraid to make commitments   Tell me what is up with that   I trying to potty train my kid again   But he's being a little brat   I think I'll write in today      Cause he cares   That I had an affair   And that I'm losing my hair   And that life can be so unfair   And I swear   I don't need your pills   Just give me some cable   And let me watch Dr. Phil   I need Dr. Phil      He knows   That I'm watching his show   And that my job really blows   And that I like wearing pantyhose   And I swear   I don't need your pills   Just give me some cable   And let me watch Dr. Phil   I need Dr. Phil      My friends think I'm a mama's boy   But I tend to disagree   I'm still living with my parents   And I'm turning forty-three   I said I need to wash my hands again   Cause I'm feeling OCD   I think I'll write in today      Cause he's the man   With the seven step plan   And I'm his biggest fan   He's my Shady and I'm his Stan   And I swear   I don't need your pills   Just give me some cable   And let me watch Dr. Phil   I need Dr. Phil      He says   I need to get real   I need to get smart   I need to get going here   And I swear   I don't need your pills   Just give me some cable   And let me watch Dr. Phil   I need Dr. Phil