AQUARIUS!    There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes    to the back of a speeding bus    Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-    Mole 17 hours a day       PISCES!    Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus    You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what    those idiots at work say       ARIES!    The look on your face will be priceless when you find    that 40-pound watermelon in your colon    Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a    hickey to Meryl Streep       TAURUS!    You will never find true happiness - what you gonna    do, cry about it?    The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch    of stuff and then go back to sleep       That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today       GEMINI!    Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your    explosive flatulence    Your love life will run into trouble your fiance    hurls a javelin through your chest       CANCER!    The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the    rest of the week face down in the mud    Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while    taking your driver's test       LEO!    Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and    staple it to your boss's face, oh no    Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it    down with a gallon of strawberry Quik       VIRGO!    All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -    except for you    Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with    your head impaled upon a stick       That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today       Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least    a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets    and the stars could have a special deep significance or    meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let    me give you my assurance that these forecasts and    predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented    evidence, so you would have to be some kind of    moron not to realize that every single one of them is    absolutely true.       Where was I?       LIBRA!    A big promotion is just around the corner for someone    much more talented than you    Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that    when your appendix bursts next week       SCORPIO!    Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall    screaming from an open window    Work a little bit harder on improving your    low self esteem, you stupid freak       SAGITTARIUS!    All your friends are laughing behind your back...    kill them    Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine    you've got hanging in your den       CAPRICORN!    The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful    person... but you know they're lying    If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never    never never never never leave my house again       That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today      That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today    That's your horoscope for today