Me, I'm the Lonesome Kicker   Extra points, field goals at your service   One might think it comes with glory   You might think different after you listen to my story      My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask   What it possibly could protect, I do not know   The other guys on the team   Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads   And also like to hide the special shoe   I need to kick in the snow      People think it's so easy   To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line   They forget to add seven yards for the snap   And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back      In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line   But some of the players were running into them   And getting hurt   So screw the kicker   Who cares about the kicker?      But I kick that ball   And I pray it goes straight   If it does   The coach says "Good job, number 8"   He doesn't even know my name is   Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr.   But that's the life I live   The Lonesome Kicker      Kickoffs can be so very scary   Especially, if the returner breaks on through   And I'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him   I don't want to get hurt   So I pretend to tie my shoe      Once again, I'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches   "Go back where you came from!"   Scream 70,000 fans   Well, I know I could win their love back   By catching a winning touch-down   But, unfortunately, I was born with these very small hands      And I hope that the cameras don't come in too close   'Cause they might see the tears in my eyes   As I sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood   And the splinters go deep in my thighs   And the towel boy snickers as he walks by   The Lonesome Kicker      Another blocked kick   And everybody blames me   But it was the Left Guard   Who didn't pick up his man   Oh, why can't they see...      In my home country   I could have been a minor league soccer player   But I came to America   Seeking fortune and seeking fame   I didn't realize that if I shanked one   and blew the point spread   Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi   After the game      So I go home at night   'Cause I never get invited   To go drinking with the other guys   And I sit in my chair, and I soak my foot   As I eat a plate of cold french fries   And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend   And my son can't look me in the eyes   But that's the life I live   The Lonesome Kicker      Kicking for you   They took my snow shoe   They're going for two