he struts and he swaggers, he's pretty sure    that chicks dig a guy in uniform    grey flannel pants and wine covered jacket    the smirk on his face makes you just wanna smack it    couldn't be a real cop without the mental wherewithal    so he's busting heads down at the shopping mall    security guard, mr security guard       always wanted to be authorized personnel    he can go through this door and that door as well    he's limiting the loitering and breaking up brouhahas    he controls your access to santa claus    his keys jingle jangle as they hang from his belt    for his lunch his mom dropped off a tuna melt    for security guard, mr security guard       crisis in the food court, but first he's gotta take a whiz    even though he's inside he's wearing sunglasses    sign says floor is slippery and man, it sure is    watch your step, security guard       just checked the bathrooms and the food court's secure    time to hit on the girls at the vitamin store    they might remember him as the high school football star    now he's that guy with the neon lights underneath his car    stands around with the other guards comparing flashlights    "put a quarter in that horsey kid. theres no free rides"    security guard    wash my car    put down that cigar    you're not george peppard    security guard