Close But No Cigar Lyrics by Weird Al Yankovic
Album : Straight Outta Lynwood
Clean Lyric
Paragraph Lyric
Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same

And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way

Except she was always using the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why

And I told her, I said
"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
But no cigar!"

Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habanjero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate

And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass

I thought after all these years of searching around
I'd found my soulmate finally
But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy
Of Joe Dirt on DVD

Oh, no! I said
"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
Oh, so very close! (Close!)
Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"

(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(ALL RIGHT!)

[Hand claps, trumpet solo]

Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo

And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionare
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist

Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobbering pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big

I said
"Hey! Are we doing government work here?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
So very, very close! (Close!)
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"

Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)
But no cigar!
Jillian was her name   She was sweeter than aspartame   Her kisses reconfigured my DNA   And after that I never was the same      And I loved her even more   Than Marlon Brando loved souffle   She was gorgeous, she was charming   Yeah, she was perfect in every way      Except she was always using the word "infer"   When she obviously meant "imply"   And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing   But frankly, I can't imagine why      And I told her, I said   "Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?   No, I don't think we are!   You're close! (Close!)   But no cigar!"      Then I met sweet young Janet   Prettiest thing on the planet   Had a body hotter than a habanjero   She had lips like a ripe pomegranate      And I was crazy like Manson about her   She got me all choked up like Mama Cass   She had a smile so incredibly radiant   You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass      I thought after all these years of searching around   I'd found my soulmate finally   But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy   Of Joe Dirt on DVD      Oh, no! I said   "Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?   No I don't think we are!   You're close! (Close!)   Oh, so very close! (Close!)   Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)   So close!   But no cigar!"      (Oh, yeah!)   (Oh, no!)   (Oh, yeah!)   (Oh, no!)   (Oh, yeah!)   (Oh, no!)   (ALL RIGHT!)      [Hand claps, trumpet solo]      Julie played water polo   She wore a ribbon on her left manolo   She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near   My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo      And she was everything I've dreamed of   She moved right up to #1 on my list   And did I mention she's a world famous billionare   Bikini supermodel astrophysicist      Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron   Look like a big fat slobbering pig   The only caveat is one of her earlobes   Was just a little tiny bit too big      I said   "Hey! Are we doing government work here?   No I don't think we are!   You're close! (Close!)   So very, very close! (Close!)   Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)   So close!   But no cigar!"      Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)   Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)   Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)   But no cigar!