When I came home the other day   My Mum couldn't look me in the eye   When I checked under my bed   I found the reason why   My pile of rhythm magazines   Was nowhere to be seen   I found them in the wheelie bin   With an empty can of Mr. Sheen      CHORUS:   My Mum found my wank mags   Now she thinks I'm vile   My Mum found my wank mags   I had a massive pile   My eyesight is failing, I've got hairs on my hands   All because I can't stop playing with my glands      My Mum was so very upset   It must have broke her heart   To know her little soldier looked   At pictures of women with their legs apart   My first issue of 'Razzle'   Was ripped up into shreds   And underneath a can of beans   Was the bird from 'Baywatch' giving head